||STRATEGIC PRACTICAL EFFORT FOR FINDING YOUR
MATE - Thursday, August 3, '00 - Parshas Devarim 5760
EFFORT FOR FINDING YOUR MATE
Network. Networking can bring a lot of
results for the amount of effort put in. By getting people "on the lookout for
you," you multiply the amount of activity done on your behalf. To the extent that you
effectively network, you add effort to your mate-search that exceeds the limits of your
Go to people for Shabos or Yom Tov.
Circulate. Get a wider circle of people to know you. Choose people who:
1. have judgement,
2. know other single men and women or
3. can get to know you meaningfully,
so that you can find ways to widen your
number of connections and use your finite time sensibly and productively.
If you go out with someone and it doesn't
"click," but (s)he is basically a decent, normal person, go on the
"lookout" for each other, perhaps using a matchmaker, rebitzen or friendly
couple as a tasteful intermediary. Since you have gotten to know each other a little bit,
you may have enough of a sense of each other to think of people, from among people you now
know, who may constitute a reasonable set-up. Happy marriages have arisen out of such
thoughtful action. The person who you go out with today may not be for you, but you may
have a cousin, co-worker or neighbor who might "click" for the other. And, the
other person may have "a someone" who they know who may "click" for
Find couples who have successful marriages
and who are successful relaters. Become friends with them, spend time with them, create as
many opportunities as possible, as often as you can to be with them. Go to as many
different couples as you can. Go to these couples for shabos, holidays, and on every
occasion that you can. Watch how happily married couples treat each other, emote, respect
each other, speak to each other, interact with each other. Observe and learn from these
living examples what marriage - and successfully married people - are. Ask them to talk to
you about what makes them happy and successful. Pick up their skills and their ways so
that you too can become a successful relator. You can be very constructively effected and
inspired by seeing successful marriages.
Try to make friends, or at least decent
acquaintances, who you can get comfortable enough to describe what you are all about and
what kind of mate you are looking for. They are real friends if they can constructively
and caringly tell you things about yourself that you don't (or won't) see, and help you
get more "on target" about who you are and need. A true friend will not merely
say what you want to hear. You want people "on the lookout" as well as "on
Honestly introspect daily about your
behavior, emotions, needs, "check list," goals, values, priorities, direction,
success ratio, and whether you "are better off being 'yourself' or being
Be careful and discriminating about the
single events that you go to. Check on the hashkofa, the observance level of the expected
crowd and sponsor, the shul, the koshruss of the food and the reliability of the
administrators. You cannot put yourself in situations that risk any Torah compromise.
Have at least one, preferably several,
QUALIFIED and caring advisors (e.g. rebitzen, rabbi, counselor, perceptive friends) who
know you reasonably well. One may catch something another missed, or have input the other
did not have, or several may note a fault so you'll stop evading it. Get OBJECTIVE input.
Talk over impressions, events, reactions, behaviors (of the person you are dating and your
own) and whether your various feelings are helpful and reliable or not. Don't be too hasty
to either accept or reject a prospect for marriage. You don't want to get hurt for
marrying or dumping someone you should not have. You must have BALANCE (as with all things
in the Torah).
Remember, it is no trick to get married.
Anyone can hire a hall. Going through with a ceremony DOES NOT PROVE you found your
basherte. The trick is finding someone you can stay with for a lifetime. Regrettably,
people marry (and even have children) and then break up. It was not basherte. The failed
marriage may have been "preparation" for the "real one," to learn a
needed lesson, for a kapora or any other reason deemed appropriate by G-d. When I counsel
singles, I urge them to seek a compatible, trustworthy and stable mate; not one who
"feels good to have" nor to "use in order to be married."
All we can do is increase chances for the
good, not guarantee. Central points are: 1. do well-done "targeted" Hishtadlus;
2. each single truly being the best and most marriageable person (s)he can be; 3. and pray
with all your heart to Hashem for mercy, help, blessing and success.